One of the most universal aspects of the marriage union to be perpetuated cross-culturally was monogamy. Yet despite this inclination towards marriage, and insistence that the marriage partners remain monogamous, human beings have been engaging in non-monogamous activities throughout history.
Extra-marital affairs are becoming the de rigueur these days in the society. We know that “extramarital affairs” have been going on since the advent of the socially sanctioned union.
Our historical concern about affairs as one of the inclusion of extramarital affairs as one of the sins mentioned in the Ten Commandments. The fact that affairs are wrong, even considered to be a sin, has been ingrained into us through our social, cultural and religious upbringing.
Despite of the social and religious disapproval of them, they have been an ever present phenomenon for us to deal with.
So why are so many people having affairs despite such powerful social and religious doctrines against them. Relationship counselor Seema Lal says, “Everyone is climbing the career ladder really fast and the newfound financial independence has instilled a desire to live without fetters. Hence more and more people are indulging in extramarital affairs.” She goes on to explain the reasons behind this trend, “Those who are already married seek freedom from constant nagging and demands at home, and those who are unmarried want to be with someone who is more tolerant and experienced in the ways of the heart. And here, we are not only talking about men, women are also indulging in such affairs in such things”.
The fact is that, there has been as many reasons given for affairs as there are people engaging in them. Some of these include dissatisfaction with the marital relationship, emotional emptiness, need for sexual variety, inability to resist sexual opportunities, anger at a partner, no longer being “in love”, alcohol or drug addiction, growing apart, desire to get a partner jealous……. to list a few.
Maybe this could be another reason that a bend towards affairs is more a symptom of our inability to find satisfaction in our long term relationships because of the expectations we place on them on the first place, than any drive towards multiple sexual partners. Possibly our inability to remain “in love” with our partners as we grow and mature and our life circumstances change is what drives for another relationship.
The loss of high level of passion and desire that existed in the beginning of the relationship may result in boredom or develop into a feeling of apathy towards the partner. Combined with all other usual stresses such as financial problems, raising children, job changes, death of a family member, change in status, etc, the loss of passion may lead to a desire to rediscover it in the start of a new relationship.
If the interpersonal relationship was satisfying for both partners, and passion was still an integral part of the relationship, the need to experience diversified or new sexual partners may not exist. Specifically, many people report feeling unappreciated ignored, sexually frustrated and no longer desirable to their partners.
What drives many individuals to become involved in extramarital affairs is a lack of emotional fulfillment within the existing relationship.
-Many references are from Dr. Debbie Layton-Tholl’s dissertation on extramarital affairs.